Blimp
by Awkward.Quail
Summary: A story about Vern's infamous and large cousin "What a blimp!" and when she comes to visit the Tessios.
1. Chapter 1

**Blimp**

It was any normal day in the Tessio house, Vern watching TV, Billy hanging upstairs in his room and Mrs. Tessio cleaning, but all that changed once the phone rang.

_Vern's POV_

I was sitting watching Wagon Train. I hear my Mom call up the stairs for my brother Billy to come down. Once he's in the living room, my mom turns of the TV.

"Mom! What did you do that for!? I was watching Wagon Train!" I whined.

"I have some very exciting news for you all!" my mother started, but was cut off by Billy.

"You're not pregnant, are you?" he asked warily.

"No, Billy," she said a little harshly. "I have just gotten off the phone with your cousin Myrtle. She's coming to visit!"

At the sound of this I think my stomach flipped over. I looked at Billy and saw a look of surprise, distress, and wanting to throw up.

"You…what…I…huh?!" I stuttered.

"It will just be wonderful! I'm going to go call your father and tell him this wonderful news!!!" said my mom, then she walked out of the room.

"You're sharing a room with her, not me," said Billy, then walked out of the room.

"Oh my God…" I muttered while running out the door to tell my friends.

Once I had Chris, Gordie and Teddy in my sight I started screeching at them.

"Guys, you won't believe it! My cousin is coming to town! My cousin is coming town!"

"Verno. What are you talking about?" asked Teddy, giving me a strange look.

"My…cousin…is …coming…to…town…" I said while huffing and puffing for breath.

"Oh, well that's not very exciting," said Gordie.

"Yes it is! You should have seen this one time we were camping with her--" I started but was cut off by the moans and groans of my friends.

"Okay, Vern, get to the point," Chris said.

"Well, I was coming to ask you guys if you would come and have dinner with us when she comes over. Billy won't be any help, so…could you?" I finished, practically on my knees begging them to save me the torture of eating with Billy and my cousin.

"Yeah," they all agreed.

_Billy's POV _

After I heard the "good" news I ran up to my room and grabbed my jacket. When I came downstairs, Vern was gone. I grabbed the keys to my parents' car and drove towards the junkyard where I was hoping the Cobras would be.

When I pulled up Eyeball was talking about some girl.

"So then she tells me, I might be pregnant, so then I'm like, well why didn't you _tell _me?!" he stated, clearly agitated.

"That sucks…" Vince muttered.

Before they could say anything, I tumbled out of the car and gasped, "My cousin is coming to town!"

They stared at me.

"Um," I said. "I thought maybe you would want to come over and have dinner with us when she comes over."

They continued to stare at me and Ace cocked an eyebrow. "_What_?"

"Please," I pleaded, throwing all dignity away. "You have to save me."

"Is she hot?" asked Charlie, spitting into the dust.

"She's—she's got a great personality," I muttered weakly, trying to sound optimistic.

Ace eyed me, and Charlie narrowed his eyes at me. Vince's brow was furrowed.

"Boy, if you're lying, so help me I will—" Eyeball started threateningly.

"Mom's making sausages!" I said quickly, pulling the first thing I could think of.

Their expressions all returned to normal. I exhaled. Charlie nodded.

"Why didn't you say so, faggot?" Ace asked, tossing the ash from the end of his cigarette.

I laughed nervously. "I forgot?"

"Whatever," he said and looked back down at the transmission lying by his feet.

"Those are some damn good sausages…" Charlie sighed.

Ace threw a monkey wrench at his face.

_Vern's POV _

I ran home after the guys told me they could come over for dinner tomorrow night. As I ran to the front door, Billy's car pulled up.

My mom was at the counter looking through her recipe books trying to decide what to make for dinner.

"Hey, Mom; Chris, Gordie, and Teddy are coming to dinner with us tomorrow night," I said.

Just then, Billy burst in the front door.

"Mom; Ace, Eyeball, Vince, and Charlie are coming to dinner tomorrow," he said then added one more thing. "Oh, yeah, we need sausages," he said then leaped up the stairs.

"Sausages…" my mom muttered, writing it on her grocery list.


	2. Chapter 2

**Blimp**

_The Next Day… _

_Vern's POV_

We waited outside the bus stop for my cousin Myrtle Goodyear. Myrtle was the first one to come out of the bus. Which was a huge (literally) problem since she got jammed in the door.

From where we were standing we could hear muffled cries of, "Not again! This happened at the rest stop!"

The passengers started getting very angry and trying to push her out the bus. After five failed attempts they finally got her out.

She greeted us in a large sundress (also available in family size) and socks that came up to her knees which clashed unfashionably with her open-toed sandals.

(Boom ba ba Boom ba ba)

We all stood welcoming her with awkward smiles plastered on our faces.

"She's bigger than she was last year," I whispered in Billy's ear.

"I know," he whispered back. "And I thought you were huge!"

We all piled into the car (if it had been a pickup truck, I think Myrtle would have been strapped to the back.) Billy and I were squished up against the windows and Myrtle was in the middle. Then, halfway through the ride, someone (Myrtle) laid a silent-but-deadly fart.

Billy and I struggled to roll down the window before the intoxicating air overtook us, but it was too late. It had spread out of Myrtle and reached our noses. We were stuck.

After reaching home at four we showed Myrtle to her room, which she was sharing with me, and left her to get unpacked.

At five, Billy's and my friends arrived and dinner was served.

The table was laid out in Mom's finest dishes and silverware. There were trays lining it down the middle, filled with her best entrees. My mouth started to water, but then I noticed Myrtle already sitting at the table, three chairs wedged under her and her fat rolls lolling off of the sides of them. She was hunched over one of the platters, as if guarding it as hers and hers alone. She looked around defensively whenever anybody came into the room, a warning that she would, if need be, attack.

Her pointy little teeth were bared in a grin. Mom was dragging more chairs to the table from downstairs because almost half of them were currently creaking under the weight of the Blimp—I mean, Myrtle.

Billy led his friends nervously into the dining room, Ace and Eyeball looking around suspiciously and Charlie and Vince staring hungrily at the sausages which were steaming on a plate in the center of the table.

Looks of realization dawned on Billy's friends' faces as they one by one laid eyes upon Myrtle.

"I'm going to kill you," Ace whispered to Billy.

Billy flushed and looked around scared, probably figuring that Ace wouldn't kill him in front of all these people. He gulped. At least he would still have his dignity.

Finally, we were all sitting, squished around the edge of the table. Ace, tragically, was sitting next to Myrtle, who was drooling over him as much as she was over the food.

She playfully swatted his arm. "Hey, big boy. What's your name?" she asked flirtatiously.

"That's Ace, Myrtle," Billy chimed in. Ace shot him a death glare.

Billy shifted uncomfortably in his seat, glancing sideways at Charlie. Next to him sat Teddy who caught his eye and muttered under his breath, "Fruit of the Looms…"

Billy curled his lips and rolled his eyes away. Myrtle was now attempting to entice Ace by offering him a sausage, provocatively. He took one politely and she took seven, spearing one on the end of her fork and slipping it into her mouth, whole, never looking away from Ace.

He looked away and leaned over his plate, starting to saw the link with his fork and knife.

Chris, Gordie, and Teddy were watching the whole spectacle, shaking in their chairs. Chris and Gordie had to share a seat because we ran out after Myrtle claimed three of them.

"So," Myrtle said with her mouth full of ground-up sausages. "how long have you known Vernie?"

Ace cleared his throat uncomfortably. "Um…"

"Actually, Ace is one of my friends, Myrtle."

"Not anymore," Ace whispered.

"What was that?" Myrtle giggled, moving her face closer to his.

"Oh, nothing."

"You're funny!" she exclaimed obnoxiously, her large front teeth grinning in his direction and then looking down at his plate where his untouched sausage lay.

"Are you going to eat that?" she inquired subtly.

He pushed his plate toward her. "Um. You can have it."

She was delighted. Her face lit up as she dug into the meat. "You're so…kind," she managed to spit out between bites.

And I mean literally, spit out.

Gordie elbowed Chris in the ribs and motioned toward Ace's face, which was crumpled in absolute disgust. Chris started to laugh silently and uncontrollably, and Gordie elbowed him again to get him to stop, even though he was nearly peeing his pants himself. Eventually Chris fell off of the chair entirely; his face red with laughter and lingered underneath the table trying to get himself together.

Gordie and Teddy were having a very difficult time keeping a straight face and they seemed to be having trouble breathing.

I cleared my throat and they looked at me, serious for a minute, before cracking up even worse than before. My mother was shooting me evil looks and chewing her food with her lips pursed. I looked nervously away.

Fortunately, Myrtle was so preoccupied with eating that she did not notice the fact that she was the laughingstock of the whole table.

"Thanks for dinner, Mrs. Tessio. It was really good," Charlie piped up.

My mother beamed at him. "You're welcome, dear. You know that Billy's friends are always welcome here."

She looked at me pointedly and I noticed that she did not say that _my_ friends were welcome here also. Ironic.

"Oh, look at the time," said Vince to Ace.

"Yeah, look at that. I've got to be going. But thank you for dinner, ma'am."

"You're welcome, honey. Now, Billy, won't you be polite and see your friends out the door?"

A look of true terror crossed Billy's face. "I think they can find the—"

"Billy!" she snapped.

"Yes, Mom…"

I sniggered. Myrtle flicked my arm. "What's so funny!?"

"Oh, nothing."

"Going so soon?" Myrtle looked up at Ace after he stood up, making no attempt to stand up herself.

"Yeah," he said shortly, heading toward the door.

But before he reached it, she held her arms out and positively screeched, "Give me a hug!"

He walked slowly toward her, kind of like someone would walk to the gallows.

He leaned over her carefully and patted her lightly on the back. She pulled her arms around his thin waist and squeezed him into her. He struggled to get up, and shook himself off before walking quickly to the door.

Chris and Gordie and Teddy and I were laughing so hard that this time, all four of us fell off of our chairs.

"Need some help down there?" Myrtle asked, looking down at us over her fat rolls.

"Yeah, need some help?" Ace asked sinisterly. He reached down and pulled each of us up more violently that was needed, making our necks and heads snap backwards.

**Authors Note: Alrighty so this is chapter two. I don't know how long it will take for me to update chapter three, I've already started it though so it shouldn't take to long. Anyway review and tell me if you like it!!!**

**-Jodi**


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